Unattainable?
Today was a long work day – from 7 am to 7 pm, though I did manage to carve out a decent lunch break in the middle for an hour and a half, and I also managed to do my last 3 hours from home via VNC and VPN. Tonight I finished my Living Waters reading (barely), had a stiff drink (Irish Cobbler) and watched some DiY shows (This Old House). Laura and I had a good chat. Generally I just kicked back.
I’ve been really irritable lately. I’m not sure exactly why, but I think it has something to do with socio-religious expectations and my deteriorating opinion of the religious establishment perpetuating those expectations. The more I learn about and ultimately experience the living God – the more indescribable and wonderful I find him to be. Yet my feelings about established religion and its practices have become tainted. Tonight I couldn’t really stomach the Living Waters reading – every week this material gets worse and worse, harder and harder for me to accept as meaningful and true in my life. My theology and personal values are straining so hard to embrace this alien material and explain away my overall negative experience in church. Why is this whole thing so difficult for me?
Sometimes I think I am chasing the unattainable. I want to believe all this Christian stuff will make me a better person, that it will make me more like the Jesus, Father and Holy Ghost that I am getting to know through my personal quest for knowing God. I just don’t know.
