Alive

This week I am trying to begin to to come to terms with some of the crap in my life. I have been so anxious about everything – worried about driving, afraid of failure at work, afraid of dying, nervous about…everything. And it’s been coming out in physical ways – stomach cramps that don’t go away, headaches, twitches, reduced concentration. It’s been really annoying – I expect my body to just work, and for the last month it really hasn’t been doing that good.

In about a week I start seeing a shrink – I had no idea how hard it would be to find somebody I am comfortable with. Pretty much the way it works is that my insurance company sends me a list of people that are either inconveniently located or have foreign names like Mohammed or Girkirpal. I have to call and leave messages on piles of answering machines for the people that seem sufficiently white, and perhaps two people will call back. The guy I am going to see wasn’t even on my list – my doctor recommended him. He insists that he will work as an “in-network” provider with my insurance – but I nervous about that too. How many people just give up at some point in this process? I guess I’m so desperate to be better – giving up isn’t an option.

We’ going up north for the weekend – the weather is supposed to be beautiful. I’m looking forward to seeing some of the trails Laura’s dad has cut on his land. I am always impressed by him when we’re up there – it’s like the cabin and those woods are his real home, where he fits in, where he thrives. He puts up with the other stuff he has to do to keep going, but he has that place up north where he really lives. I like going up north to be with her folks. I hope in time I will find my version of that place – where I am alive too.

On the topic of stuff needed to keep going, it’s time to go to my job. This has not been the most coherent of posts, but these posts aren’t really for you anyway, so no complaining.